Chapter 5. Let's Try Clomid

I had always known of another option we would try before going to a more serious treatment, Clomid. It used to be the go-to medication for fertility until Letrozole came on the scene. It works slightly different, but it is also used when you need help in ovulating. And despite all the recent changes I had implemented with my lifestyle and diet, we had started to feel we were in a good place to try a fertility medication again.

When you're struggling with infertility, a new treatment can be exciting but equally scary at the same time. A small part of you starts to picture it working the first time, but you know better than to think like that.

After 2.5 years of struggling, I have become really good at always expecting the worst case scenario. That way, I'm prepared for it, and if it doesn't happen I'll be even more surprised. That was no exception for our next few months of treatment.

We started Clomid in March of 2022, and we felt a glimmer of hope come back. I had always heard of the 'clomid crazies' though, and felt I had to warn Dillon. If I become a total b*tch, that was completely normal on this treatment. He laughed, but I think deep down he was scared.

It was a similar protocol to Letrozole in that you take it at the beginning of your cycle, and then on cycle day 21 you get a lab done to see if ovulation occurred. According to my temperature tracker, the first cycle I ovulated the day after getting my blood drawn... but that was still progress and good news! Because of that though, they increased the dosage for the next month.

With that first month of Clomid, I experienced side effects that I hadn't had with Letrozole. Bloating like no other, dizziness, and hot flashes. Everyone tells you to take the medication at night for these reasons so you can potentially sleep through the side effects. While I'd rather have them at night, still isn't fun waking up drenched!

Back to my story now.

The second month of Clomid's side effects were not as bad, which was surprising! I was gearing up for them to be twice as worse, and even thought about stopping that treatment if this round didn't work. But cycle day 21 came, and we confirmed ovulation.

The two week wait was nearing the end, and I noticed a slight change in my temperature tracking. Normally, the temps would hit a peak and then make their way down like a staircase, but this time they were hovering around the same temp. I had a good feeling about this month, and I decided to take a pregnancy test. At this point, I was about 11 DPO (days past ovulation), and it was clearly negative.

I shook it off though, it was still too early to get a positive.

14 DPO came, and I was going to wait until Dillon came home to take a test, but I couldn't wait. I sat on the bathroom floor and waited for the test to result. My heart was pounding, like it always did when I waited, and Murphy (our dog) was watching me from the bed like he always did. He knew this routine all too well.

This time was different though, there was a second faint line. It was actually there, but I honestly couldn't believe it. So I quick opened up another two tests and dipped the strips in. Murphy started to get concerned because it's normally at this point that I would start crying and angrily throw the test into the trash can.

I was staring at 3 positive pregnancy tests, all pretty faint, but definitely not an evaporation line. You'd think at this point I would have been bursting with joy, but I didn't even know what to do next. This was so unfamiliar to me. When it's negative, you go through your regular grieving process and you eventually move on. But now, I was scared to even start thinking of what was next because I didn't believe it actually was happening.

I quickly texted my husband a picture and said that I couldn't wait until he got home from work, and he honestly didn't even believe me. I then hesitantly calculate my estimated due date... December 25. That date literally made my heart sing. We might actually get our Christmas miracle this year, I thought to myself.

I sent my Dr. a message immediately saying I had positive pregnancy tests and that I wanted to come in to confirm it with a blood test. They put the lab order in and I went in over lunch. We waited about 4 hours before getting the results, and I RAN to my phone when I heard the 'ding'. I was used to this noise, because the only email I get notifications for is from my Dr.

I opened the test result, and there it was... 34.5 hcg. Anything over 25 was positive! I told Dillon I was pregnant, and we both stared at each other completely speechless. We both knew we had to take it one day at a time, but at this point we wouldn't believe it until a baby was earth-side that this was true.

With infertility comes a lot of extra blood tests and appointments, and even when you do get pregnant, they monitor you like a hawk depending on your situation. I had to get my hcg drawn every 48 hours so they could see the quantity rise.

Two days later, I went in again, got my blood drawn, and eagerly awaited my results. 56.8 hcg. The googling began (or continued, let's be real I have been trusting dr. google too much since we began this journey). They look for that quantity to double every 48 hours or so. In my mind, it was still an ok number though!

I kept going in every 48 hours, and the next one was heart braking. It only jumped up to 58.7. At that point, I knew it was likely going to be a miscarriage. 48 hours after that, I got my blood drawn, and it only went up to 67.4. I had asked to stop getting labs done because I knew what was going to happen, it was not a viable pregnancy.

They allowed it, and sure enough a few days later I started bleeding. It looked and felt like a normal period, so I grieved. I knew it was too good to be true. A Christmas baby would have been too perfect.

I reached out to my Dr. to inform them I started bleeding, and they set me to get another lab done to see if my hcg went back to 0. The day before I got my next lab done, I was fairly nauseous. My mom was in town, and Dillon had made a really nice dinner for us, but I couldn't even sit in front of my plate.

I went in the next day, fully expecting it to be low or 0, because that meant we could move on fully. But it wasn't... it had jumped to 362. My Dr. was out of town at this point, and had another OB covering for her. She immediately got me on the schedule for an ultrasound. Again, I figured this was normal and maybe my number was peaking and would soon turn around.

I went in for my first ultrasound, which felt so weird because I no longer actually felt like I was pregnant. It just felt more like a formality to prove that I wasn't anymore. I watched the tech label everything, and by everything I mean nothing. No fetal sac, no baby. At this point, it was labeled as Pregnancy of Unknown Location (PUL).

PUL is as scary as it sounds.

After this ultrasound, I met with the Dr., and was extremely surprised by what she had to say. She came right out and told me she wasn't sure what was happening. My numbers are higher, but nothing was found in the ultrasound. Plus anytime you bleed and still have a high hcg, there is reason for concern. She did however emphasize that I could very well still be pregnant, and it was perhaps just too early to see anything on a scan as I was only about 6 weeks along.

So I had three potential scenarios at this point. 1. I was pregnant, and it was too early to tell. 2. I was not pregnant and my numbers were dropping after peaking that day. 3. My numbers are still rising, but abnormally which indicates an ectopic pregnancy.

She explained the worst case scenario, an ectopic pregnancy. Unfortunately when you suffer a tubal pregnancy, they recommend waiting 4-6 months to start trying again. And that sounded like a lifetime in infertility world.

Wow. I was not expecting any of that. All of me was hoping I would go in and my hcg would be nearing 0 so we could move onto the next cycle. I left in a panic, and was simply trying to remember every word that she said because it was so much information.

I called Dillon from the parking lot to tell him the news, and again he couldn't even believe this. We had already accepted that it was over, and we had began moving on. Now, we had to manage not getting our hopes up that I was actually still pregnant.

Having gone through infertility for 2.5 years at that point, we went back to our assumption of worst case scenario. It was our safe place. If we prepared for the worst, if this miracle actually happens then it'll be that much sweeter someday.

The plan now was to wait another week for an ultrasound, and especially if my hcg kept rising, we would hopefully see something in the next scan. So we waited. The day after my first ultrasound, I was textbook nauseous and throwing up all afternoon and evening. I remember thinking how long I had been waiting to feel this feeling, and while it was not enjoyable at all, it was still everything I had ever wanted to feel.

I was finally pregnant. I kept telling myself that.

At this point, my hcg was up to 850, which was really good news, as typically you can see something in the ultrasound around 1,500. The result leading up to the ultrasound was 2,061, so we were in a good spot!

It wasn't doubling like it should in a normal pregnancy, but it was increasing enough for them to still think everything was okay. The day after Mother's Day I went in for my second ultrasound. The lady at the front desk asked me if I had signed up to receive my ultrasound pictures, and I hesitantly said "no, they're still not sure where the pregnancy is located". You'd think they would have notes or something so they don't ask such a question, but looking back I should have just said no thanks and moved on.

I sat in the waiting room, with two very pregnant women, and tried to not get upset over the little front desk incident. After all, she didn't know what I was going through.

I went into the room, and again started to see what the technician was and wasn't labeling. We had gotten past the uterus without any baby, and that's when I knew something wasn't right. She got to the adnexal (fallopian tube) and stayed there for a while. She began to label, and at that point I just closed my eyes because I knew. What I had sensed this whole time was about to become reality.

The technician though couldn't tell me any results, and in fact she was so concerned with what she was looking at that she left the room to have two Dr's review it. I waited again... She came back and asked if I had an appointment afterwards to see my Dr., and I told her I didn't. She left the room again to call down to the OB floor and make an appointment for me.

I just wish at that point someone could have come out and told me. But I understand why they have to do it this way.

She sent me down to the OB floor, and told me to check-in and wait. I made a stop at the bathroom on the way down, and balled my eyes out for a couple of minutes. This is so unfair. Why are we being dealt these cards? This is something I frequently asked myself during this journey, and I still don't have the answer.

I gathered myself as best as I could, and grabbed some tissues to take along with me. I waited not so patiently in a room FULL of pregnant women. It was an eternity. So many pregnant women coming and going, and I was sitting there trying not to burst into tears as I was about to be told my reality.

Finally, a nurse came to get me, and the first question she asked me was "are you in any pain". I knew what I was about to learn, I just wish someone could have told me now.

I waited more in the room for my Dr., and maybe 15 minutes later she came in. I had managed to hold back my tears this whole time, and was ready to let go. She broke the news to me that they located the pregnancy in my left fallopian tube, and they were very certain that it was ectopic. It was extremely small, and so they had to make sure that it was ectopic before breaking the news to me.

I was devastated. She has seen me through this whole journey, and she knew just how heart braking this was to have my first ever pregnancy end this way. She was heartbroken for us.

She explained everything to me, and I tried as best as I could to remember everything. Even though ectopic pregnancies are rare, they most commonly happen when you're taking fertility medications. And on top of that, once you have one ectopic, you're at a slightly higher risk of another. I had moments during this where I felt like I was not actually there. Like this wasn't actually happening.

Thankfully when she was explaining treatment options she gave me hand-outs. The best option in my case was to get a Methotrexate shot, which stops the growth of the cells. This is a drug that is used in chemotherapy. They can only give this treatment to you if they catch the ectopic early enough, and your hcg is below a certain level which mine was thankfully.

The other option would be to wait a little, and get surgery. But she strongly recommended the shot since that had less risk.

I asked all my questions, but ultimately decided I wanted to get treated that same day, there was no sense in delaying the inevitable. We lined up an appointment for later that afternoon, and I went down to the lab to get my blood drawn, yet again.

I cried all the way home. I came home to Dillon and cried in his arms, and asked "why us". He didn't have an answer, but he was real with me and agreed that this is ridiculous. He couldn't stand to watch me in pain one more day over infertility, and now our first pregnancy was ending in a scary way. I just remember looking at him, and we both felt so defeated. We couldn't do this anymore.

I quickly got dressed, and we drove back to the hospital where I checked in to get treated. We waited for about an hour in the actual room of treatment, as they had to hand-deliver this drug from the pharmacy downstairs after it was cleared. The nurse finally came back in, and after educating us on everything I could and couldn't do, she appeared in what looked like a hazmat suit. That's when I realized that this drug was serious. This was going to be rough. She reassured me it was protocol, and it was a little overkill. Whew ok.

I received the shot, one in each hip, and had to sit down immediately as I got dizzy from the pain. It hurt way worse than I expected. I took full advantage of this time to ask for any snacks they had though, those blueberry muffins were just what I needed. At this point, I decided all of my food restrictions were out the window, I can eat whatever the hell I want now.

We waited a little for everything to be okay, and giggled over the fact that when I go to the bathroom for the next several days, I had to flush twice with the lid closed. Want to know why? Because the waste coming out of you is toxic and can harm others! Crazy huh? Another crazy thing I couldn't do for a while, eat any leafy greens! Well, pizza it is then, don't have to tell me twice.

Yet again, I learned to lean on my partner in these difficult times. We always turn to humor, and I thank god everyday that my husband is who he is. He makes the hardest times a little easier.

As far as Mother's days have gone for me these past few years, they increasingly get worse. One year, I had my period on Mother's day and took that as a sign from Mother Earth that I wasn't meant to be a mom. I know, that's silly, but I'm not the only one. This past year was by far the worst, learning that I had an ectopic pregnancy, and I hope to god it doesn't get worse than that.

I know it's easy to say to just focus on something else when it comes to Mother's day. But when you're longing to become a mom, it is all you can think about. The world takes to social media that day, not to rub it in your face, but to honor their mother's and babies who made them mothers. Yet it feels so lonely when you're without a baby. It feels personal.

Infertility can be so isolating, but I'm hopeful that by sharing my experiences and not so positive thoughts, someone out there can realize they're completely normal. When I realized other women have these same negative thoughts, and that I wasn't a monster, I feel like I was able to take a breather. It didn't feel like it was all on my shoulders anymore, because I saw a whole community of women going through the same struggles.

Again, thank you for being here. Infertility warriors, you're not alone.

Until next time, CC.