Chapter 7. When Infertility Leads to Adoption

Where to even begin... I guess just by reading the title, the cat is out of the bag. I want to preface this post by saying I know there are many different opinions on these two topics together.

Infertility and adoption both deserve their own space, and I hope by me combining the two it doesn't take away from each other. The reality is this is our story and I simply want to share our journey. There are many people in this world who strongly feel adoption after infertility is extremely selfish. In a way, yes it is, but I hope by sharing a little bit of our story you can see how beautifully they can come together.

Throughout our infertility treatments, we always had adoption in the back of our minds. Not because it was a second place or last resort, but because we always felt somewhat drawn to it. But like most other couples, with the exception of some, we never even considered not having biological children.

When you meet your person in life and start dreaming of your future, it often includes marriage and building a family. I had always known my husband and I were destined to be parents, and we had always talked about being young parents at that.

After our wedding, we took a little bit of time to just be married. I did not want to just jump right into parenthood without building our foundation a little bit longer, and I'm glad we did. We assumed after getting my birth control removed that the journey would begin, and our excitement was so high.

Constantly watching videos about babies, pregnancy, and jotting down baby names. We even got each other baby and pregnancy books that first Christmas, which have since collected a lot of dust.

Adoption was always a thought, and we didn't see it as 'giving up' in any way, but we knew the level of commitment that it involved. We needed to be extremely serious about it before pursuing.

It wasn't until our ectopic pregnancy that we more seriously talked about taking steps towards it. Adoption was one of those things I had assumed was a little out of reach financially, as you always hear what it costs in the United States.

But something about being poked and prodded for years, feeling like my body was failing us, and losing our first pregnancy in a traumatic way made everything more clear. We were meant for adoption, and the only way to start was to dive in.

May 9, 2022; I was officially diagnosed with the ectopic pregnancy. We were in the outpatient room getting ready for my first dose of Methotrexate after being told our pregnancy was located in my fallopian tube. After a lot of tears, we accepted that I needed treatment fast, and I think the nurses and staff were surprised how well we took it. But to be honest, at that point in our infertility, nothing really surprised us anymore.

'Why wouldn't this happen to us'. Not to play the victim, it just felt like one more thing to add to the list of what we went through.

After I finally got the shots, we sat for a while to make sure everything was okay. Sort of relieved that we could start putting this behind us. I looked over at Dillon on his phone and I said, 'you know what, adoption sounds pretty amazing right about now'. And the best part was that he looked up at me and said 'I know, that's why I've already been contacting places and researching'. Always one step ahead of me that guy.

That day, as tragic as it was, was a major turning point in our journey to parenthood. It was also the time we realized that we didn't want to pursue more treatments, which eventually would have led to IUI or IVF.

Our mindset was finally that all of these struggles led to that moment. That decision of saying 'lets put infertility behind us'. Realizing we can actually choose to do that with a shift in our mindset. And although it may seem like we used adoption as a distraction, I only see it as us choosing to pivot in that moment and focus on something incredibly important.

The whole time of TTC, the goal was to get pregnant. That is something I've longed to experience, even though most women complain about it. But we often times forgot that the end goal was to have a baby and grow our family.

It wasn't until then that I realized I am strong enough to handle the fact that I may never get pregnant again and carry our own children. I was always terrified of that possibility. But at that moment, I was at complete peace with it.

Having children was much greater than me being pregnant, period.

After that day, we of course didn't see what was coming next. May 25, I had an emergency surgery as the ectopic ruptured my fallopian tube, which resulted in me losing the tube all together. But that, we knew, would be the last hurdle.

Once again, I want to emphasize that we in no way used adoption as a distraction. I spent a lot of time dealing with the grief of my ectopic separately. But the harsh reality when you enter the adoption world is that a lot of hopeful adoptive parents have indeed faced infertility.

We were all faced with the decision at some point in our journey to choose adoption and give up even more control than we ever thought possible.

And choosing adoption is not giving up.

I vividly remember a day driving to work, one of those routes I could drive with my eyes closed, and a cheesy country song came on. The one that goes 'if you got a chance, take it, take it while you got a chance. If you got a dream, chase it, 'cause a dream won't chase you back'. I'm not one to cry about a country song, but I started tearing up.

I knew that we were on the right path, finally. We had to chase our dreams of becoming parents.

Opening the door to adoption was one of the best choices we ever made. Selfish in some eyes, but completely unselfish in so many ways.

Many people say 'adoption is so beautiful', and I know what they mean, but it's incredibly bittersweet. Yes we are giving a child the life they deserve, but the hard truth of adoption is that someone is experiencing a major loss, while the other is gaining a miracle.

Adoption does not cure infertility. While they are often connected, it takes a lot of time and money to pursue both respectively. We were faced with a choice, and we are forever grateful for the outcome.

If you or someone you know is facing infertility or has questions on adoption and our experience, I'd be so happy to share more details. Out of respect for our birth family, I want to keep all of our adoption story more private, but I'll introduce you to our miracle boy below!

Theo Thomas Coughlin was born October 10, 2022. He is a healthy happy boy that lights up our days with his toothless smiles and dimple. Every time I look at him I think to myself we were meant to meet him and his birth family.

Until next time,

- CC